Clarity around Anger and Grief…
Anger has been my “go to” emotion over these last two years since losing Syd, but especially the 2nd year. In my book, “The Voice of an Angel”, I write about “leaning into love” and while I do always get back to love, anger was definately present. I experienced anger during the 1st year of life without Syd, but I was still incredibly numb and that seemed to dull the senses making the anger seem less profound.
The 2nd year thou, the numbness lifted and in some regards it felt as if I went through yr 1 all over again because you “feel again” and have a clearer level of awareness, which seems to make the anger even more pronounced.
The love I hold in my heart for my daughters has been my saving grace, my raison d’etra, and what drove me to want to understand the anger versus simply pushing thru it or pushing it down. I believe this is how the anger can be transformed into healthier emotions, instead of owning me and making me bitter…. Love.
So going thru my 2nd yr, there was plenty of anger but around the 2nd milestone of Syd’s passing, the anger seemed to subside and I was no longer numb. I felt something different…a sense of hope that I had written about. Truth be told, some days thru these first 2 years I was pretending “hope” because Syd told me it would happen and to just believe and move thru the days as if I was experiencing hope. So I did just that. I was manifesting hope. And all of the sudden, one morning around the 24th, I woke with these words,
“I needed to do what I did over this last 2 yr period of time. But it is past and I am as pleased as I can possibly be about how it played out and how I handled it. Now, I enter into yr 3 with a different energy and intent, knowing thats what my girls would want and need from me.”
With those words came the true feeling of hope and a sort of permission from above, if that makes sense.
So while anger is a normal emotion and one we all need to address, for me it feels like a form of punishment for the cards I was dealt and having to create a new reality. No, I am not happy with being in this place in life but, understand that this duality is important to embrace and make peace within my new reality.
My girls need me better not bitter. I need better. And all of those I love need better.
So my intention going into year 3, having permission from both of my girls, is to truly and completely own my new reality and be good with it. To continue to live with no regrets and make the most from the memories and love that fuel me. This I firmly believe is the key to being able to experience joy again in my every day and THAT is my goal!